A few weeks ago, someone told me I was the most disciplined person she knows. That feedback was disconcerting because, growing up, I was often told that I lacked discipline.
I’ve never been particularly good at forcing myself to do things that I don’t want to do, which is how I’d always defined discipline.
Discipline isn’t hard
Over time, I’ve come to see this definition as nonsensical. The things I’m told requite discipline are things that I want to do.
I want to exercise every day.
I want to get into the cold plunge every day.
I only ever do things that I want to do. Otherwise, I wouldn’t do so.
It has taken a while, but I’ve come to the conclusion that when most people say “discipline” then mean doing things that look hard to them, and doing them with routine consistency.
When people hear that I ate three ingredients for 5 months they’re flabbergasted.
The first question is “What were the three ingredients?” The second is “Didn’t you get tired of the same meal?”
Once I decided, very clearly, that I was going to eat that simple diet, I wasn’t even tempted by ice cream or peanut butter.
Nothing is particularly hard when I've decided that I want to attempt it. Hard things are only hard when we are conflicted or not sure we’re ready to commit.
Take personal responsibility
Discipline is lauded, but the idea isn’t well defined.
Ownership – taking personal responsibility – is a better way to address the same idea.
Each of us is only doing what we want to do at any time. The path forward towards anything – great health, wealth, relationships, or just sitting in very cold water – requires recognizing what we want, knowing why, and then taking baby steps towards that desired outcome.
Getting started is the hard part
Doing difficult things isn’t hard. Getting started doing difficult things is.
I’ll procrastinate for hours getting into my cold plunge. By comparison, the difference between 1 second and 30 seconds sitting in frigid water is easy.
Now that I’ve recognized this resistance in my cold plunge routine, I’m looking for that same procrastination and avoidance elsewhere.
It is a useful cue when we notice that at the provocation we’ll stop doing something that we’ve otherwise deemed important.
Discipline and disciple share the same root
I was discussing the idea of discipline with colleague Marie Szuts recently, when she casually pointed out that “discipline” shares the same root as “disciple".
Discipline originates from the Latin word “discipulus” which means student or learner.
When we remove the more modern punitive quality of the word, we’re left with discipline as something closer to “practice.”
The 51% philosophy of behavior
A lot of people I know subscribe to a theory of percentages of behavior.
A friend of mine will say that he both wants to do something and doesn't. If 51% of him wants to do something, thus he does it.
It's convenient to say that I both want to do something and don't want to do something. But it is also inaccurate!
I can only do something or not do something.
I either get into the cold plunge or I do not.
I either eat that pint of ice cream or I do not.
A continuum of behavior doesn’t exist.
Personal responsibility
We don’t have good language to describe personal responsibility.
There’s no good language – at least in English – to describe that state where I don’t want to get in the cold plunge, but I’ve decided that I’m going to do so, thus I actually do want to, so I go ahead and get in anyway.
That’s what we’re talking about. Taking personal responsibility for our behavior and our actions.
What am I avoiding?
Currently, I’m noticing what I’m avoiding.
Just like I avoid getting in the cold plunge in the morning, the mark of success is not just whether I get in but how quickly I do so. Am I avoiding this behavior?
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Homework
When I have kids I don’t want to teach them about discipline in the way it was drilled into me. Instead I want them to feel good for having done hard things.
- The feeling of a runner’s high after a 5-mile run.
- The feeling of your brain having been stretched after writing an essay.
- When you sit and read a compelling book that challenges you to think about something differently.
My homework, then, is to do something that you “don’t want to do” and to do it with attention.
- Go for a walk and notice how difficult it is
- Eat very differently for one meal than you usually do, and notice how to feel afterwards
- Take a cold shower, instead of a hot one.
Ultimately, I can’t prescribe something “difficult” for you because it depends on your baseline. (A cold shower isn’t hard for me anymore, even though my cold plunge still is.)
The key is to notice how you feel before you engage in this behavior. Notice your temptation to avoid that behavior, and then how you feel afterwards.
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3 things I’ve loved this week
Quote I’m Considering
“You get zero benefit from being rational or reasonable when it comes to negotiation.” - Austen Allred
Lewis Thomas was a noted physician. He was the dean of Yale Medical School and president of Memorial Sloan-Kettering Institute, among other merits. He also wrote prose.
Across more than a dozen books, he arranged words beautifully to explore concepts and his love of biology.
Halfway between poetry and a research paper, Lives of a Cell is a stunning, short work.
I've just started watching "America’s Sweethearts," a 7-part docuseries about the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.
The series does a good job of showing how little these women get paid (“like a part-time Chick-fil-A worker”), how desperately eager they are for this role, and the incredible culture of belonging the DCC creates.
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Until next week,
Robin